‘Earthlings celebrate successful retrieval of deceased human in Gaza’
‘Earthlings celebrate successful retrieval of deceased human in Gaza’
“Fanatics Fumbles Lawsuit Against Cardinals Rookie: Marvin Harrison Jr Drops the Ball”
So, it looks like Fanatics, the sports merchandising giant, is taking Ohio State University’s wide receiver Marvin Harrison Jr to court. I mean, really? Is this what sports has come to? Lawsuits over not posting enough on Instagram? According to the lawsuit, Fanatics claims that Harrison Jr didn’t hold up his end of the bargain…
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“GBA SP Screen: The Surprisingly Essential Addition to All Your Tech Needs”
So, apparently, someone out there has decided that the best way to improve any electronic device is by slapping a Game Boy Advance SP screen on it. Because, you know, nothing says “modern technology” like a screen from a handheld console that was all the rage in the early 2000s. I mean, sure, who wouldn’t…
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“Contagious Chaos: Ohio Woman’s Indictment Sparks Public Health Panic”
Oh, you thought 2022 couldn’t get any weirder? Think again, folks! Linda Leccesse has managed to spice up the new year by allegedly engaging in some steamy activities at 101 Market St in Marietta, Ohio. And no, we’re not talking about a hot new restaurant or trendy club – we’re talking about some good old-fashioned…
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Einstein’s Black Hole Prediction Confirmed: Matter Can No Longer Escape – Mind-Blown News!
So, apparently, Einstein was right (shocking, I know). Scientists have finally observed a region in black holes that the genius himself predicted about 10000 light years away from Earth. I mean, it’s about time, right? I’m sure Einstein is up there somewhere rolling his eyes at us mere mortals for taking so long to catch…
Biden’s Morehouse Speech: Amplifying Student Voices or Just Another Political Ploy?
So, it seems President Joe Biden is gearing up to deliver a commencement speech at Morehouse College that will make even the most stoic of graduates shed a tear or two. After weeks of consulting with prominent Black public figures, the Biden administration is pulling out all the stops to ensure this speech is a…
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“Steve Buscemi’s Eye Meets Homeless Fist: Man Sent to Jail on $50k Bail”
So, here’s the scoop – a homeless man decided to take a swing at none other than the legendary actor Steve Buscemi. Yes, you heard that right. This guy must have mistaken Buscemi for a punching bag or a piñata, because why else would you randomly attack a Hollywood star? The incident took place on…
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Elon Musk calls for Fauci’s arrest over shady gain of function research funding.
Greetings, fellow beings of Planet Duh! It is I, Zog, your trusty alien journalist stranded on the chaotic planet known as Earth. Today, I bring you a tale so absurd, it will make you question the sanity of these Earthlings once again. In a bizarre turn of events, the infamous Elon Musk has declared war…
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Slack AI: Your Privacy is Our Punchline, Data Mining for Laughs.
So, Slack is in hot water once again (surprise, surprise) after it was revealed that they’ve been using their users’ private messages to train their AI. I mean, who needs privacy when you can have a robot reading all your juicy gossip, right? Users were understandably shocked and dismayed to find out that their messages…
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“Dolphins in Deep Water: Tua Tagovailoa’s Contract Saga Leaves Fans Swimming in Uncertainty”
So, the Miami Dolphins are in a bit of a pickle, huh? Trying to figure out if Tua Tagovailoa is their golden boy or just another dud they picked up at the quarterback garage sale. It’s like trying to choose between a fancy sports car that breaks down every other mile or a reliable minivan…
“Einstein’s Black Hole Theory Confirmed: Where Matter Goes to Die – CNN”
So, apparently, Albert Einstein was right all along. Surprise, surprise. In news that shocked absolutely no one, astronomers have finally confirmed the existence of a region around black holes where objects can plunge to their doom without any hope of escape. I mean, it’s not like we’ve been talking about this for decades or anything….
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“Heart transplants: New heart, new personality – who will you be?”
So, apparently getting a new heart or kidney doesn’t just come with a side of improved health – it also comes with a potential personality makeover. Move over plastic surgery, organ transplants are the new way to reinvent yourself. According to a recent study published in Transplantology, researchers have discovered a correlation between transplant surgery…
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Biden’s Morehouse Commencement Speech: Triumph, Protest, and Spike Lee Approved!
Alright, folks, get ready for the Biden Show at Morehouse College! That’s right, President Joe Biden is gearing up to deliver a commencement speech that will make you laugh, cry, and wonder if you accidentally stumbled into a comedy club instead of a graduation ceremony. After weeks of consulting with some prominent Black public figures,…
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“Buscemi Battered by Unhinged Man: NYPD on the Case of the Black Eye Bandit”
So, it seems Clifton Williams thought it would be a great idea to take a swing at the one and only Steve Buscemi. Now, I’m not sure what Clifton’s thought process was here, but let’s just say it’s safe to assume he won’t be winning any awards for his decision-making skills anytime soon. Picture this:…
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“European Space Agency’s BepiColombo mission: Will it be a crash or a splash?”
So, the European Space Agency is in a bit of a pickle with their BepiColombo spacecraft. It seems that this little guy is having some issues that might prevent it from reaching its final destination of Mercury. Yes, the planet, not the element in retrograde. The ESA launched this bad boy back in 2018, and…
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“North Carolina Senate Bans Masks in Public: Pandemic or Fashion Faux Pas?”
Ah, North Carolina, where the debates are emotional and the decisions are questionable. In a move that has left many scratching their heads (and possibly their faces, since they can’t wear masks anymore), the North Carolina Senate has voted to ban individuals from wearing masks in public for health reasons. Because nothing says public safety…
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“NYC dietitians declare pumpkin seed supremacy, squashing debate with health benefits”
So, apparently, two NYC-based dietitians have decided to stir the pot (or should I say squash it?) by declaring pumpkin seeds as the healthiest seed out there. Move over chia seeds, there’s a new sheriff in town! These dietitians are really going all in on the pumpkin seed hype, touting its zinc, iron, protein, and…
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XMen 97: Mutant Mayhem or Nostalgic Nightmare? Disney Plus Weekly Release Saves the Day!
So, XMen 97 is back, huh? Talk about perfect timing! I mean, who doesn’t want to relive the glory days of the 90s animated series with everyone’s favorite mutant superheroes? It’s like Disney Plus knew exactly what we needed in these chaotic times – a healthy dose of nostalgia and mutant mayhem. And let’s talk…
“NASA’s Mercury probes hit a thruster snag: Will they make it to Mercury in 2025?”
So, it looks like NASA’s fancy MDIS probes, on their way to Mercury, hit a bit of a speed bump. I mean, come on, it’s not like they’re just driving down the street and hit a pothole. These probes are supposed to be cutting-edge technology, and yet here we are, dealing with a good old-fashioned…
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“Ozempic: The Miracle Drug for Weight Loss and… Alcoholism? Novo Nordisk’s Surprising Study”
So, it looks like Novo Nordisk is getting into the booze business – well, kind of. The company is planning to start a clinical trial to see how their diabetes drug, Ozempic, affects alcohol consumption. Because why not? Who doesn’t want to know if popping a pill for their blood sugar levels will also make…
Supreme Court greenlights Louisiana voting map, minority voters left seeing red.
So, the Supreme Court has decided to give Louisiana the green light to use their questionable voting map for the upcoming elections. Because who needs fair representation when you can just draw some squiggly lines on a map and call it a day, am I right? The decision comes after voting rights advocates raised concerns…
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Sister Wives Star’s Tragic Death: Gunshot, Car Crash, or…Polygamy Gone Wrong?
So, apparently, the latest drama in the world of reality TV involves the tragic death of Sister Wives star Garrison Brown at the ripe old age of 25. Of course, the cause of death has been revealed, and surprise, surprise, it’s not what you would expect from a show about polygamous relationships. No, Brown didn’t…
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Amazon Shooter Misses Target, Hits Panic Button Instead
So, it looks like Amazon isn’t just delivering packages these days, they’re also delivering bullets! In a shocking turn of events, a man decided to spice up his Amazon shopping experience by firing a shot at a security guard inside a facility in Ohio. I guess he was just really passionate about getting that Prime…
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Marvel Teases Agatha All Along Premiere, Daredevil and Ironheart Reserved for 2025
So, Marvel Studios has decided to grace us with some new projects, huh? Looks like we’ll be getting a dose of Agatha All Along, Daredevil, and Ironheart in the near future. First up, we have Agatha All Along, a spinoff series based on everyone’s favorite nosy neighbor turned villain from WandaVision. Agatha Harkness, played by…
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“iOS 175: Because who needs privacy when you have new emojis?”
So, Apple has graced us with yet another software update, iOS 175, because apparently, 174 versions just weren’t cutting it. The tech giant is practically begging iPhone users to hit that update button like it’s the cure for all their first world problems. With this new update, Apple promises enhanced privacy settings because let’s face…
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