TSN/HeadlineNews

“Epic Games’ 16-Page Demands: Will Google Play Nice or Keep Playing Dirty?” So, Epic Games has finally won its lawsuit against Google, and boy, are they not holding back on their demands. In a 16-page document that reads like a manifesto for app store revolution, Epic is laying down the law and calling for some…

“Pro Swim Series in San Antonio: Livestream Fails, Swimmers Prevail, Drama Unfolds”

“Pro Swim Series in San Antonio: Livestream Fails, Swimmers Prevail, Drama Unfolds” So, apparently the 2024 San Antonio Pro Swim Series is in full swing, and let me tell you, it’s a real splash! The third day of competition featured some intense races, with swimmers giving it their all in events like the 200 freestyle,…

Sports News

Aliens, Sea Monsters, or Underwater Civilization? Massive 2000-Mile Anomaly Baffles Experts!

Aliens, Sea Monsters, or Underwater Civilization? Massive 2000-Mile Anomaly Baffles Experts! So, apparently, the ocean decided to show off its artistic side by creating a cluster of waves over 80 feet high and spanning an area larger than Texas. Move over Picasso, Mother Nature is here to steal the spotlight with her avant-garde wave formations….

Science News

“Geneticist’s Prostate Cancer Battle Inspires Groundbreaking Research Project”

“Geneticist’s Prostate Cancer Battle Inspires Groundbreaking Research Project” So, guess who’s the latest celebrity to join the prostate cancer club? That’s right, none other than Dr. Francis Collins, the former director of the NIH. I mean, talk about irony, right? Here’s a guy who probably had kale smoothies for breakfast and ran marathons on the…

Health News

“Biden’s Student Loan Forgiveness: Making For-Profit Colleges Great Again, One Debt at a Time”

“Biden’s Student Loan Forgiveness: Making For-Profit Colleges Great Again, One Debt at a Time” Hold onto your hats, folks, because President Joe “Debt Slayer” Biden is at it again! In a move that’s sure to make the student loan industry quake in its expensive loafers, the Biden administration announced on Friday that they’ll be wiping…

US News

Wynonna Judd’s Daughter Charged with Prostitution: Country Music Drama Unfolds!

Wynonna Judd’s Daughter Charged with Prostitution: Country Music Drama Unfolds! Looks like Grace Pauline Kelly, daughter of country music superstar Wynonna Judd, is back in the headlines again, and this time it’s not for her angelic singing voice. No, Grace has been formally charged with soliciting prostitution and indecent exposure after her April arrest. Who…

“Earthlings demand bodies back so they can finally mourn properly… maybe?”

April 11, 2024April 15, 2024 Zog Wakk

“Earthlings demand bodies back so they can finally mourn properly… maybe?” Greetings, fellow beings of the cosmos! It is I, Zog, your trusty Alien journalist stranded on the wacky planet Earth. Today, I bring you a tale of tragedy and absurdity that will leave you scratching your non-existent heads in disbelief. Iris Weinstein Haggai, a…

World News

Discord Drops the Ban Hammer on Nintendo Switch Emulator Devs: Game Over, or Just the Beginning?

Discord Drops the Ban Hammer on Nintendo Switch Emulator Devs: Game Over, or Just the Beginning? So, Discord has decided to play the role of the big bad wolf and shut down the entire Discord servers for Suyu and Sudachi, a pair of Nintendo Switch emulators. Talk about taking things to the extreme! They didn’t…

“SMU Suspends Players for Car Crash: Are They Training for Demolition Derby?”

“SMU Suspends Players for Car Crash: Are They Training for Demolition Derby?” So, apparently, the streets of Dallas are turning into a real-life version of Fast and Furious, with SMU football players taking on the roles of reckless drivers. It seems like Rashee Rice and Teddy Knox thought they were auditioning for a stunt double…

Sports News

“Lonely & Hangry: How Loneliness Leads to Bad Food Choices in Women”

“Lonely & Hangry: How Loneliness Leads to Bad Food Choices in Women” So, it turns out that being lonely can make you fat. Yes, you read that right. Researchers have found that women who are feeling a bit lonely are more likely to reach for that extra slice of cake or tub of ice cream….

Health News

“Castaways spell HELP, Coast Guard saves day: Next time, pack a GPS!”

“Castaways spell HELP, Coast Guard saves day: Next time, pack a GPS!” So, it turns out that being stranded on a deserted island isn’t just reserved for castaways in cheesy movies. Nope, it happened in real life to three clueless mariners who thought a fishing trip was a good idea. Spoiler alert: it wasn’t. John,…

US News

“Siblings: Love, Loyalty, and Lawsuits – The Messy, Magnificent World of Brotherly and Sisterly Bonds”

“Siblings: Love, Loyalty, and Lawsuits – The Messy, Magnificent World of Brotherly and Sisterly Bonds” Siblings. They can be your best friends, your worst enemies, or just that annoying person who always steals your favorite shirt. From the Marx Brothers to George Eliot’s The Mill on the Floss, siblings have a way of stealing the…

‘Earth’s Oceans Boiling: Residents Still Refuse to Believe in Climate Change’

April 10, 2024April 15, 2024 Zog Wakk

‘Earth’s Oceans Boiling: Residents Still Refuse to Believe in Climate Change’ Greetings, fellow beings of Planet Duh! It is I, Zog, your trusty alien journalist stranded on the chaotic planet known as Earth. Today, I bring you news that will make you chuckle and ponder the sheer silliness of these Earthlings. So, it appears that…

World News

“Google’s ‘Trade-in Your Soul’ Program: Upgrading Devices, Downgrading Ethics”

“Google’s ‘Trade-in Your Soul’ Program: Upgrading Devices, Downgrading Ethics” So, Google has decided to jump on the trade-in bandwagon, following in the footsteps of every other tech company out there. Because nothing says cutting-edge like trading in your old gadgets for a slightly newer model, right? Now you can trade in your old phones, watches,…

“Schlitt’s Mock Draft: Lions Prepare to Shock NFL with Bold Selections”

“Schlitt’s Mock Draft: Lions Prepare to Shock NFL with Bold Selections” So, here we go again with Erik Schlitt and his Detroit Lions mock drafts. It’s like a never-ending cycle of hope and disappointment for Lions fans. But hey, at least we can all have a good laugh at the absurdity of it all, right?…

Sports News

“Eclipse 2024: Photos and Videos Show Sun Playing Peekaboo with Moon”

“Eclipse 2024: Photos and Videos Show Sun Playing Peekaboo with Moon” So, apparently, the total solar eclipse of April 8, 2024 has come and gone, leaving millions of people in awe of the beauty of the universe. People from all over the world flocked to North America to witness this rare event, and of course,…

Science News

“Chicago Man Drops 50 Pounds with One Simple Trick: Eating Less, Moving More!”

“Chicago Man Drops 50 Pounds with One Simple Trick: Eating Less, Moving More!” So, here we go again with another weight loss transformation story that’s supposed to inspire us all to get off our couches and start sweating our way to a healthier lifestyle. An Australian woman, Dils Lee, lost a whopping 53 pounds and…

Health News

“Arizona Republicans Denounce 160-Year-Old Abortion Ban: Pigs Fly and Hell Freezes Over”

“Arizona Republicans Denounce 160-Year-Old Abortion Ban: Pigs Fly and Hell Freezes Over” So, apparently Arizona Republicans have had a change of heart when it comes to a 160-year-old abortion ban. Yes, you heard that right – 160 years old. I didn’t even know they had abortion bans back in the Wild West days. I guess…

US News

“Romeo, Juliet, and Racism: Black actors face backlash in theater casting drama”

“Romeo, Juliet, and Racism: Black actors face backlash in theater casting drama” Francesca AmewudahRivers is set to star alongside Tom Holland in a theatre adaptation of Romeo and Juliet, but apparently, the casting decision has triggered an online storm of abuse. It seems like the Shakespearean drama has spilled off the stage and into real…

Lisa Niemi Swayze: Flack for Remarrying? Who Knew Widowhood Came with a Manual!

April 9, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

Lisa Niemi Swayze: Flack for Remarrying? Who Knew Widowhood Came with a Manual! So, Lisa Niemi Swayze is getting some heat for remarrying after her husband, the beloved Patrick Swayze, passed away from pancreatic cancer. Can you believe it? The woman is just trying to find some happiness after losing the love of her life,…

Sunny Hostin blames solar eclipse, earthquake, and cicada breeding on climate change – seriously?

April 9, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

Sunny Hostin blames solar eclipse, earthquake, and cicada breeding on climate change – seriously? So, apparently according to The View cohost Sunny Hostin, climate change is now responsible for everything under the sun. Literally. From solar eclipses to earthquakes to even the expected cicada breeding season, Hostin seems to think that Mother Nature is just…

‘Ceasefire Talks in Never-Ending Saga of Earth’s Endless Conflicts’

April 9, 2024April 9, 2024 Zog Wakk

‘Ceasefire Talks in Never-Ending Saga of Earth’s Endless Conflicts’ Ah, Earthlings, you never cease to amaze me with your never-ending drama and penchant for conflict. Here we have Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu setting a date for a military ground offensive into Rafah, where apparently 15 million Palestinians are magically squeezed into a tiny area….

World News

“Fallout 4: The Game So Massive, You’ll Need a Survival Guide”

April 9, 2024April 9, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

“Fallout 4: The Game So Massive, You’ll Need a Survival Guide” So, you thought you could escape the clutches of Fallout 4, did you? With a game this enormous and this feature-rich, where do you even start? Bethesda’s open-world RPG arrived on the scene back in 2015, and it seems like it’s been haunting gamers…