So, apparently, the Dark Energy Camera has captured a celestial phenomenon that looks like a ghostly hand reaching out for a spiral galaxy. I mean, talk about drama in the cosmos! It’s like the universe is trying to send a message to the galaxy, like “Hey, can you spare a few stars?” The images of…
“HIV Predator Sentenced: Future of America at Stake as Voters Head to Polls” So, apparently, we have a real winner on our hands here. Alexander Louie, the poster child for bad decision-making, has been sentenced to 30 years in prison for being the Webster’s definition of a predator. I mean, talk about setting the bar…
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“Highway Melts Under Heat, Crews Return to Fix Mess. Traffic Chaos Ensues” Ah, the joys of modern transportation. One minute you’re cruising down Interstate 95, blasting your favorite tunes, and the next minute you’re stuck in traffic because some genius decided to turn a bridge into a puddle of molten metal. Yes, folks, that’s right….
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Cara Delevingne’s Sobering Wisdom: “Rehab is the new black” Oh, look who decided to grace us with their wisdom at the 2024 Met Gala – none other than the ever-so-enlightened Cara Delevingne. Apparently, she’s been on a journey to sobriety since 2022, and now she’s here to bestow her precious pearls of wisdom upon us…
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“Behold: The Shocking Absence of Earth’s Responsible Citizens!” “Behold: The Shocking Absence of Earth’s Responsible Citizens!”
“Earth’s magnetic field: the real MVP in the evolution of complex life” So, apparently Earth’s magnetic field used to be a weakling compared to its current buff self. I guess it finally hit the gym and beefed up over the years. Scientists have uncovered that around 591 million years ago, our planet’s magnetic field was…
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Bridge meltdown sparks chaos on I95: Demolition crew battles to restore order. So, it looks like the good ol’ Fairfield Avenue span couldn’t handle the heat of the fire and decided to take an impromptu vacation from being an actual bridge. I mean, who needs a fully intact bridge these days anyway, right? Workers were…
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Tom Selleck’s Blue Bloods exit risks ranch, but he won’t quit – industry woes! Tom Selleck, the mustachioed icon of Blue Bloods fame, is not a happy camper these days. The man who has graced our screens as Police Commissioner Frank Reagan for over a decade is facing the harsh reality that his beloved show…
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“Earthlings Attempt Peace Talks While War Looms, Aliens Amused” Greetings, fellow beings of Planet Duh! It is I, Zog, your intrepid alien journalist stranded on the wacky world known as Earth. Today, I bring you a report that will surely make you scratch your heads in disbelief at the absurdity of these Earthlings. So, here…
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“Samsung’s One UI 41 Update: Because Who Needs Data Anyway?” So, Samsung has finally decided to grace us with the highly anticipated One UI 41 update for Galaxy devices. Cue the applause, the confetti, and the inevitable chaos that comes with every software update. Now, before you go ahead and click that tempting ‘Install Now’…
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Rangers’ Playoff Message: “Keep Calm and Score On… Or At Least Try To” So, the New York Rangers are feeling pretty good about themselves despite getting their butts kicked by the Carolina Hurricanes in Game 1. I mean, who needs to score goals to win a hockey game, right? Coach David Quinn must have been…
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SpaceX Launches Starlink Satellites: Is Elon Musk Building a Galactic Internet Empire? So, SpaceX decided to play a little game of interstellar Tetris on Monday, launching 49 more Starlink satellites into orbit. I mean, why stop at 48 or 50 when you can go for that perfect odd number, right? The liftoff took place at…
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“Fairfield Avenue Span: From Bridge to BBQ – I95’s Latest Hot Spot” So, here we go again, folks! Another day, another highway closure due to a fiery disaster caused by a gas-filled tanker truck. It’s like a broken record at this point. I mean, who knew that gasoline and fire don’t mix well? Crews have…
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“Dua Lipa steals SNL spotlight, leaving viewers wondering if they hallucinated her brilliance” So, last night on Saturday Night Live, we were graced with the presence of the one and only Dua Lipa. The pop star was introduced by Troye Sivan and Jerry Seinfeld respectively before each song, which is quite the odd pairing if…
‘Kim Jong Un’s TikTok anthem sweeps Earth, brainwashing masses.’ Greetings, fellow aliens of Planet Duh! It is I, Zog, your trusty correspondent stranded on the wacky planet known as Earth. Today, I bring you a report that will surely make you scratch your slimy heads in disbelief. So, apparently, there’s this song titled ‘Friendly Father’…
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“Daniel Bodily’s Sunday Puzzle: Out of This World or Just Another Space Oddity?” So, here we are, folks. Daniel Bodily’s Sunday puzzle is apparently “out of this world.” I mean, really? Are we talking about a crossword puzzle here or a mission to Mars? Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, people. According to the print…
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“Starliner Slow Rollout: One Giant Leap for Mankind, One Small Roll for Rocket” So, the Starliner is making its slow roll towards history, huh? At a whopping 1 mph, I’m sure the world is shaking in its boots at the sheer speed and power of this groundbreaking spacecraft. I mean, forget about the Space Race,…
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“Texas Farmer’s Eyes Bleed from Bird Flu: Cow-to-Human Transmission Baffles Experts” So, here we have a Texas dairy worker who somehow managed to contract bird flu from a cow. I mean, talk about a bad day at the office. Not only did this poor guy have to deal with sick cows, but now he’s got…
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Bridge melts under fiery chaos; crews race to rebuild highway from hell. So, it looks like the fiery pits of hell decided to make a pit stop on Interstate 95 in Norwalk, Connecticut. A gas-filled tanker truck crashed and burst into flames, causing the Fairfield Avenue span to melt like a popsicle on a hot…
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Ava Phillippe Claps Back at Body Shamers: “Critics Can Kiss My Abs!” Hey there, internet trolls and body shamers, looks like Ava Phillippe has a bone to pick with you! The 24-year-old daughter of Hollywood royalty Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe recently took to social media to clap back at those who have been criticizing…
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“Earthlings Shocked by Slight Increase in Water Levels, Panic Ensues” Greetings, fellow beings of the cosmos! It is I, Zog, your trusty Alien journalist reporting live from the wacky world of Earth. Today’s headline: “Alien Abduction? No, Just Mother Nature Being Extra AF in Brazil.” So, it seems that down in the southern region of…
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Ferrari Snags F1 Genius Newey: Gamechanger or Just Another Prancing Horse Folly? So, Ferrari is apparently pulling out all the stops to snag Adrian Newey, the Formula 1 technical genius, from Red Bull in 2025. That’s right, folks, they’re going all in to try and secure the services of the man who has been instrumental…
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“Middle School Mayhem: Armed student shot, community in shock, authorities promise ‘thorough investigation’” So, apparently, the wild west has made a comeback in Wisconsin. In a shocking turn of events, a student was shot by authorities outside a middle school for allegedly being armed. I mean, forget dodgeball, it looks like they’re playing real-life Call…
Anya TaylorJoy’s spiky dress at Furiosa premiere: Fashion statement or weapon? Hold onto your hats, folks, because Anya Taylor-Joy has just taken the term “fashion risk” to a whole new level. The Mad Max prequel star made jaws drop at the film’s premiere in Australia, sporting a dress that could double as a medieval weapon….
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“Antarctica’s Giant Hole Mystery Finally Solved: Turns Out It Wasn’t Aliens After All!” So, apparently scientists have finally cracked the case of Antarctica’s giant hole that appeared back in 2016. No, it wasn’t a result of some secret government experiment or alien invasion – it was just a good old-fashioned natural occurrence. Who would’ve thought?…
