“Breaking: New Orioles Owner Promises World Series Trophy, Unicorns, and Rainbows”
In a stunning revelation that has sent shockwaves rippling through the baseball world, Orioles owner David Rubenstein has confirmed the imminent sale of the team. In a statement that was as predictable as the sun rising in the east, Rubenstein said everything you’d want him to say. Because, you know, who doesn’t want to hear the same old tired lines about how the new owner will bring fresh ideas and a renewed commitment to winning? Yawn.
But let’s not dwell on the impending doom of yet another struggling franchise. Instead, let’s focus on something truly important: Orioles Opening Day. Yes, my friends, mark your calendars because there are only 56 days left until the glorious return of real baseball. That’s right, 56 days of anticipation, excitement, and the desperate hope that this year might be different. Spoiler alert: it won’t be.
Now, if you’re a true baseball fan, you’re probably wondering about the significance of the number 56. Well, strap yourselves in because I have some mind-blowing trivia for you. Apparently, three people have had the audacity to wear the number 56 in Orioles history. Can you even comprehend such audacity? I mean, how dare they not retire that number after the first person wore it? It’s a travesty, I tell you.
So, as we count down the days until Orioles Opening Day, let’s all take a moment to reflect on the inevitability of another disappointing season. Let’s bask in the glory of clichéd statements from team owners. And let’s pray that somehow, against all odds, the Orioles will defy expectations and actually win some games. Who am I kidding? That’s about as likely as finding a unicorn at a used car dealership.