Month: May 2024

SpaceX Launches Starlink Satellites: Is Elon Musk Building a Galactic Internet Empire?

May 6, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

SpaceX Launches Starlink Satellites: Is Elon Musk Building a Galactic Internet Empire? So, SpaceX decided to play a little game of interstellar Tetris on Monday, launching 49 more Starlink satellites into orbit. I mean, why stop at 48 or 50 when you can go for that perfect odd number, right? The liftoff took place at…

Science News

“Fairfield Avenue Span: From Bridge to BBQ – I95’s Latest Hot Spot”

May 5, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

“Fairfield Avenue Span: From Bridge to BBQ – I95’s Latest Hot Spot” So, here we go again, folks! Another day, another highway closure due to a fiery disaster caused by a gas-filled tanker truck. It’s like a broken record at this point. I mean, who knew that gasoline and fire don’t mix well? Crews have…

US News

“Dua Lipa steals SNL spotlight, leaving viewers wondering if they hallucinated her brilliance”

May 5, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

“Dua Lipa steals SNL spotlight, leaving viewers wondering if they hallucinated her brilliance” So, last night on Saturday Night Live, we were graced with the presence of the one and only Dua Lipa. The pop star was introduced by Troye Sivan and Jerry Seinfeld respectively before each song, which is quite the odd pairing if…

Entertainment News

‘Kim Jong Un’s TikTok anthem sweeps Earth, brainwashing masses.’

May 4, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

‘Kim Jong Un’s TikTok anthem sweeps Earth, brainwashing masses.’ Greetings, fellow aliens of Planet Duh! It is I, Zog, your trusty correspondent stranded on the wacky planet known as Earth. Today, I bring you a report that will surely make you scratch your slimy heads in disbelief. So, apparently, there’s this song titled ‘Friendly Father’…

World News

“Daniel Bodily’s Sunday Puzzle: Out of This World or Just Another Space Oddity?”

May 4, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

“Daniel Bodily’s Sunday Puzzle: Out of This World or Just Another Space Oddity?” So, here we are, folks. Daniel Bodily’s Sunday puzzle is apparently “out of this world.” I mean, really? Are we talking about a crossword puzzle here or a mission to Mars? Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, people. According to the print…

Technology News

“Starliner Slow Rollout: One Giant Leap for Mankind, One Small Roll for Rocket”

May 4, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

“Starliner Slow Rollout: One Giant Leap for Mankind, One Small Roll for Rocket” So, the Starliner is making its slow roll towards history, huh? At a whopping 1 mph, I’m sure the world is shaking in its boots at the sheer speed and power of this groundbreaking spacecraft. I mean, forget about the Space Race,…

Science News

“Texas Farmer’s Eyes Bleed from Bird Flu: Cow-to-Human Transmission Baffles Experts”

May 4, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

“Texas Farmer’s Eyes Bleed from Bird Flu: Cow-to-Human Transmission Baffles Experts” So, here we have a Texas dairy worker who somehow managed to contract bird flu from a cow. I mean, talk about a bad day at the office. Not only did this poor guy have to deal with sick cows, but now he’s got…

Health News

Bridge melts under fiery chaos; crews race to rebuild highway from hell.

May 4, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

Bridge melts under fiery chaos; crews race to rebuild highway from hell. So, it looks like the fiery pits of hell decided to make a pit stop on Interstate 95 in Norwalk, Connecticut. A gas-filled tanker truck crashed and burst into flames, causing the Fairfield Avenue span to melt like a popsicle on a hot…

US News

Ava Phillippe Claps Back at Body Shamers: “Critics Can Kiss My Abs!”

May 4, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

Ava Phillippe Claps Back at Body Shamers: “Critics Can Kiss My Abs!” Hey there, internet trolls and body shamers, looks like Ava Phillippe has a bone to pick with you! The 24-year-old daughter of Hollywood royalty Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe recently took to social media to clap back at those who have been criticizing…

Entertainment News

“Earthlings Shocked by Slight Increase in Water Levels, Panic Ensues”

May 3, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

“Earthlings Shocked by Slight Increase in Water Levels, Panic Ensues” Greetings, fellow beings of the cosmos! It is I, Zog, your trusty Alien journalist reporting live from the wacky world of Earth. Today’s headline: “Alien Abduction? No, Just Mother Nature Being Extra AF in Brazil.” So, it seems that down in the southern region of…

World News

Ferrari Snags F1 Genius Newey: Gamechanger or Just Another Prancing Horse Folly?

May 2, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

Ferrari Snags F1 Genius Newey: Gamechanger or Just Another Prancing Horse Folly? So, Ferrari is apparently pulling out all the stops to snag Adrian Newey, the Formula 1 technical genius, from Red Bull in 2025. That’s right, folks, they’re going all in to try and secure the services of the man who has been instrumental…

Sports News

“Middle School Mayhem: Armed student shot, community in shock, authorities promise ‘thorough investigation'”

May 2, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

“Middle School Mayhem: Armed student shot, community in shock, authorities promise ‘thorough investigation’” So, apparently, the wild west has made a comeback in Wisconsin. In a shocking turn of events, a student was shot by authorities outside a middle school for allegedly being armed. I mean, forget dodgeball, it looks like they’re playing real-life Call…

US News

Anya TaylorJoy’s spiky dress at Furiosa premiere: Fashion statement or weapon?

May 2, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

Anya TaylorJoy’s spiky dress at Furiosa premiere: Fashion statement or weapon? Hold onto your hats, folks, because Anya Taylor-Joy has just taken the term “fashion risk” to a whole new level. The Mad Max prequel star made jaws drop at the film’s premiere in Australia, sporting a dress that could double as a medieval weapon….

Entertainment News

“Antarctica’s Giant Hole Mystery Finally Solved: Turns Out It Wasn’t Aliens After All!”

May 2, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

“Antarctica’s Giant Hole Mystery Finally Solved: Turns Out It Wasn’t Aliens After All!” So, apparently scientists have finally cracked the case of Antarctica’s giant hole that appeared back in 2016. No, it wasn’t a result of some secret government experiment or alien invasion – it was just a good old-fashioned natural occurrence. Who would’ve thought?…

Science News

“Brain Biopsies on Vulnerable Patients: FDA Raises Ethical Concerns at Mount Sinai”

May 1, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

“Brain Biopsies on Vulnerable Patients: FDA Raises Ethical Concerns at Mount Sinai” So, apparently, brain biopsies are the latest trend at Mount Sinai Medical Center. Forget botox injections and facelifts, why not just dig into your brain instead? Who needs memories when you can have a hole in your head, right? The FDA is not…

Health News

Columbia University: Where Pro-Palestinian Activism Thrives and Pro-Israel Students Wither

May 1, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

Columbia University: Where Pro-Palestinian Activism Thrives and Pro-Israel Students Wither As the twoweek standoff between proPalestinian protesters and college administrators at Columbia University in New York finally came to a head, tensions were high and emotions were running rampant. It was like a dramatic soap opera playing out on the prestigious campus, with students and…

US News

“Live Nation’s Concert Week: Making Live Music Affordable or Just Another Cash Grab?”

May 1, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

“Live Nation’s Concert Week: Making Live Music Affordable or Just Another Cash Grab?” Alright, alright, alright! Live Nation is at it again, folks! They’re offering 25 AllIn Tickets for over 5000 shows this summer with their Concert Week promotion. It’s like Christmas in May, but instead of gifts under the tree, you get to rock…

Entertainment News

Earthling Politician Threatens to Overthrow Speaker – Chaos Ensues on Planet Duh.

May 1, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

Earthling Politician Threatens to Overthrow Speaker – Chaos Ensues on Planet Duh. Greetings, fellow beings of the cosmos! It is I, Zog, your trusty Alien journalist stranded on the wacky planet known as Earth. Today, I bring you a tale of political drama and chaos that would make even the most seasoned extraterrestrial chuckle in…

World News

“The Last Splatoon Survivor: Trapped in Map Purgatory for a Decade”

May 1, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

“The Last Splatoon Survivor: Trapped in Map Purgatory for a Decade” So, here we are, folks. In a world where Nintendo has officially shut down its online servers for the Wii U and 3DS, leaving behind a lone Splatoon player stuck in map purgatory. Yes, you heard that right. This poor soul is trapped in…

Technology News

NFL Draft ratings drop 3%, blames pandemic, streaming, and bad tattoos.

May 1, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

NFL Draft ratings drop 3%, blames pandemic, streaming, and bad tattoos. So, apparently Thursday was better than the dumpster fire that was 2023, but Friday and Saturday decided to drag the whole TV ratings down. I mean, who knew that watching a bunch of guys in suits get picked like human cattle could be so…

Sports News