Month: May 2024

“Heart transplants: New heart, new personality – who will you be?”

May 17, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

So, apparently getting a new heart or kidney doesn’t just come with a side of improved health – it also comes with a potential personality makeover. Move over plastic surgery, organ transplants are the new way to reinvent yourself. According to a recent study published in Transplantology, researchers have discovered a correlation between transplant surgery…

Health News

Biden’s Morehouse Commencement Speech: Triumph, Protest, and Spike Lee Approved!

May 17, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

Alright, folks, get ready for the Biden Show at Morehouse College! That’s right, President Joe Biden is gearing up to deliver a commencement speech that will make you laugh, cry, and wonder if you accidentally stumbled into a comedy club instead of a graduation ceremony. After weeks of consulting with some prominent Black public figures,…

US News

“Buscemi Battered by Unhinged Man: NYPD on the Case of the Black Eye Bandit”

May 17, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

So, it seems Clifton Williams thought it would be a great idea to take a swing at the one and only Steve Buscemi. Now, I’m not sure what Clifton’s thought process was here, but let’s just say it’s safe to assume he won’t be winning any awards for his decision-making skills anytime soon. Picture this:…

Entertainment News

“European Space Agency’s BepiColombo mission: Will it be a crash or a splash?”

May 16, 2024May 17, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

So, the European Space Agency is in a bit of a pickle with their BepiColombo spacecraft. It seems that this little guy is having some issues that might prevent it from reaching its final destination of Mercury. Yes, the planet, not the element in retrograde. The ESA launched this bad boy back in 2018, and…

Science News

“North Carolina Senate Bans Masks in Public: Pandemic or Fashion Faux Pas?”

May 16, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

Ah, North Carolina, where the debates are emotional and the decisions are questionable. In a move that has left many scratching their heads (and possibly their faces, since they can’t wear masks anymore), the North Carolina Senate has voted to ban individuals from wearing masks in public for health reasons. Because nothing says public safety…

US News

“NYC dietitians declare pumpkin seed supremacy, squashing debate with health benefits”

May 16, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

So, apparently, two NYC-based dietitians have decided to stir the pot (or should I say squash it?) by declaring pumpkin seeds as the healthiest seed out there. Move over chia seeds, there’s a new sheriff in town! These dietitians are really going all in on the pumpkin seed hype, touting its zinc, iron, protein, and…

Health News

XMen 97: Mutant Mayhem or Nostalgic Nightmare? Disney Plus Weekly Release Saves the Day!

May 16, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

So, XMen 97 is back, huh? Talk about perfect timing! I mean, who doesn’t want to relive the glory days of the 90s animated series with everyone’s favorite mutant superheroes? It’s like Disney Plus knew exactly what we needed in these chaotic times – a healthy dose of nostalgia and mutant mayhem. And let’s talk…

Entertainment News

“NASA’s Mercury probes hit a thruster snag: Will they make it to Mercury in 2025?”

May 15, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

So, it looks like NASA’s fancy MDIS probes, on their way to Mercury, hit a bit of a speed bump. I mean, come on, it’s not like they’re just driving down the street and hit a pothole. These probes are supposed to be cutting-edge technology, and yet here we are, dealing with a good old-fashioned…

Science News

“Ozempic: The Miracle Drug for Weight Loss and… Alcoholism? Novo Nordisk’s Surprising Study”

May 15, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

So, it looks like Novo Nordisk is getting into the booze business – well, kind of. The company is planning to start a clinical trial to see how their diabetes drug, Ozempic, affects alcohol consumption. Because why not? Who doesn’t want to know if popping a pill for their blood sugar levels will also make…

Health News

Supreme Court greenlights Louisiana voting map, minority voters left seeing red.

May 15, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

So, the Supreme Court has decided to give Louisiana the green light to use their questionable voting map for the upcoming elections. Because who needs fair representation when you can just draw some squiggly lines on a map and call it a day, am I right? The decision comes after voting rights advocates raised concerns…

US News

Sister Wives Star’s Tragic Death: Gunshot, Car Crash, or…Polygamy Gone Wrong?

May 15, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

So, apparently, the latest drama in the world of reality TV involves the tragic death of Sister Wives star Garrison Brown at the ripe old age of 25. Of course, the cause of death has been revealed, and surprise, surprise, it’s not what you would expect from a show about polygamous relationships. No, Brown didn’t…

Entertainment News

Amazon Shooter Misses Target, Hits Panic Button Instead

May 14, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

So, it looks like Amazon isn’t just delivering packages these days, they’re also delivering bullets! In a shocking turn of events, a man decided to spice up his Amazon shopping experience by firing a shot at a security guard inside a facility in Ohio. I guess he was just really passionate about getting that Prime…

US News

Marvel Teases Agatha All Along Premiere, Daredevil and Ironheart Reserved for 2025

May 14, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

So, Marvel Studios has decided to grace us with some new projects, huh? Looks like we’ll be getting a dose of Agatha All Along, Daredevil, and Ironheart in the near future. First up, we have Agatha All Along, a spinoff series based on everyone’s favorite nosy neighbor turned villain from WandaVision. Agatha Harkness, played by…

Entertainment News

“iOS 175: Because who needs privacy when you have new emojis?”

May 14, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

So, Apple has graced us with yet another software update, iOS 175, because apparently, 174 versions just weren’t cutting it. The tech giant is practically begging iPhone users to hit that update button like it’s the cure for all their first world problems. With this new update, Apple promises enhanced privacy settings because let’s face…

Technology News

German far-right leader channels inner time traveler, court rules Nazi slogan acceptable.

May 14, 2024May 21, 2024 Zog Wakk

Greetings, fellow beings of the universe! It is I, Zog, your friendly alien journalist reporting from the wacky planet Earth. Today, I bring you a tale of a German farright leader who got himself into quite the pickle by uttering a banned Nazi slogan. Oh, the joys of human folly never cease to amaze me!…

World News

Eagles sign rookie corner from small school; fans hopeful, opponents skeptical.

May 13, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

So, the Philadelphia Eagles have decided to sign Shon Stephens, an undrafted rookie cornerback who was basically plucked out of obscurity. I mean, the guy was a tryout player at rookie camp, for crying out loud. Talk about a Cinderella story in the making. Standing at a whopping 5 foot 9 and weighing in at…

Sports News

“Earth’s CO2 levels skyrocket – Brace yourselves for the climate change chaos!”

May 13, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

So, apparently the Mauna Loa observatory in Hawaii has been playing a little game of “how high can you go” with carbon dioxide levels in the atmosphere. And guess what? They just hit the jackpot with the biggest annual increase on record. Congratulations, Mauna Loa, you win the prize for contributing to the impending doom…

Science News

“Beware: Beach Bacteria Bonanza! Flesh-Eating Fun for the Whole Family!”

May 13, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

So, it turns out that going barefoot on the beach isn’t just a recipe for sandy toes and a potential sunburn. No, no, no. According to recent reports, one unfortunate man ended up contracting flesh-eating bacteria while strolling along the shore. I mean, talk about a bad day at the beach, am I right? This…

Health News

“Menendez Trial: Where Political Favors Are Bought with Gold and Cash…Literally”

May 13, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

So, here we go again with another corrupt politician getting their day in court. Senator Bob Menendez, a Democrat from New Jersey, is facing bribery and conspiracy charges for allegedly accepting gifts and campaign contributions in exchange for political favors. And let’s be real, if he’s found guilty, he could be spending the next 20…

US News

Netflix hires former Sony head Doug Belgrad, promises more exciting films ahead.

May 13, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

Well, well, well, it looks like former Sony head turned producer Doug Belgrad is making a big splash in the entertainment industry once again. This time, he’s joining the ranks of Netflix as the Vice President of Film. Talk about moving up in the world! With his extensive experience in the industry, Belgrad is sure…

Entertainment News

“Russia boldly reclaims ‘uninhabited’ land in north-eastern Ukraine, because why not?”

May 10, 2024May 21, 2024 Zog Wakk

Greetings, Earthlings! It is I, Zog, your friendly neighborhood Alien journalist from the Planet Duh, here to provide you with a fresh perspective on the ongoing conflict in Ukraine. Strap in, because things are about to get a little… out of this world. So, let me get this straight – Russia decides to launch a…

World News

“Neuralink Patient Plays Video Games with Brain Implant: Are we evolving or devolving?”

May 10, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

So, it looks like Elon Musk’s Neuralink company has managed to stick some electrodes into some poor guy’s brain and turn him into a real-life cyborg gamer. Move over, Robocop, we’ve got a new player in town! This anonymous patient, who probably signed up for a simple brain surgery and ended up with a high-tech…

Technology News

“Rashee Rice: From NFL Draft Pick to Draft Dodger? The Saga Continues…”

May 10, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

So, it turns out that Rashee Rice, the star wide receiver from SMU, may have a few skeletons in his closet that could put a damper on his NFL dreams. Multiple teams, if not all teams, were apparently aware of some shady incident involving Rice before the draft. And let’s face it, when even anonymous…

Sports News

“From Black Lint to Burning Questions: Unearthing the Fiery History of Climate Change”

May 10, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

So, apparently, scientists have been getting their hands dirty digging into the geologic record to uncover the ancient secrets of wildfires. Yes, you heard that right – they’re literally sifting through dirt to figure out how these fiery disasters have been shaping and being shaped by climate change for centuries. The oldest evidence of wildfire…

Science News

“Preeclampsia: The Pregnancy Plot Twist No Mom Wants to Experience”

May 10, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

So, it seems Bronx mom Amanda Perez has quite the story to tell. She safely gave birth to two babies with the help of an innovative cardiovascular health program. Now, she’s just hoping for a little shut-eye on Mother’s Day, but with two boys under 2, she might as well kiss that dream goodbye. Perez’s…

Health News