Month: May 2024

NFL Players Association proposes offseason changes, players push back, chaos ensues.

May 28, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

So, apparently the NFL Players Association is shaking things up with a proposal to change up the offseason programs for all the football players out there. And let me tell you, the players are not too happy about it. Defensive end Shelby Harris from the Denver Broncos is leading the charge against these proposed changes….

Sports News

Chinas spaceplane ejects mystery object into orbit, sparking fear and speculation.

May 28, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

So, after 166 days of circling Earth, Chinaâ??s secret spaceplane decided to spice things up by ejecting an unknown object into orbit. Because why not, right? I mean, who doesnâ??t love a good mysterious object floating around in space? Now, hereâ??s the kicker â?? no one really knows what this object is or what itâ??s…

Science News

“Study debunks myth: Sugar doesn’t cause hyperactivity in kids, parents rejoice in relief”

May 28, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

So, turns out all those years of blaming sugar for turning our kids into tiny tornadoes of chaos might have been a load of baloney. That’s right, folks, the age-old belief that sugar consumption leads to hyperactivity in children has been debunked by a group of researchers who are probably feeling pretty smug right about…

Health News

“DUI Disaster: Teen Tragically Killed, Community Mourns – When Will We Learn?”

May 28, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

So, here we go again with another tragic tale of stupidity and heartbreak. A 14-year-old girl, Sarah Johnson, was killed in a suspected DUI crash in Orange County. I mean, come on people, how many times do we have to hear about these senseless tragedies before someone finally gets the message that drinking and driving…

US News

Cardi B Claps Back at Body Shamers: “Haters Gonna Hate, I’m Unbothered!”

May 28, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

So, Cardi B is once again facing backlash for her choice of attire. Seriously, is this woman ever allowed to just wear what she wants without the peanut gallery chiming in with their unsolicited opinions? Apparently not. After Cardi strutted her stuff in a skintight catsuit in Las Vegas, the trolls came out in full…

Entertainment News

‘Earthlings Engage in Expensive Fireworks Display Over Disputed Territory’

May 27, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

Greetings, fellow beings of the cosmos! It is I, Zog, your trusty Alien journalist from the Planet Duh, here to report on the latest antics of the Earthlings. Today’s episode of Earth’s Reality TV Show features a deadly game of cat and mouse between Israel and Hamas in the Gaza Strip. In a shocking turn…

World News

Tesla’s 202420 Update: Because nothing says “cutting-edge” like Supercharger races.

May 27, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

So, Tesla has rolled out yet another update for its vehicles, version 202420, because apparently, the previous 19,419 updates just weren’t enough. This time around, they’ve introduced adaptive headlights that can now adapt to curves. Because, you know, driving in a straight line is just too mainstream. Now your Tesla can swerve around those corners…

Technology News

“NBA Superstar and Cookbook Author Welcome Fourth Child, Future MVP or Master Chef?”

May 27, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

Well, well, well, it looks like Stephen and Ayesha Curry have added yet another member to their starting lineup! The power couple welcomed their fourth child, a bouncing baby boy, into the world in what can only be described as a slam dunk of a delivery. In true Curry fashion, Ayesha took to social media…

Sports News

SpaceX Launch Delayed Again: Aliens or Just Another Technical Glitch?

May 27, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

So, it looks like SpaceX crews were busy this morning in Brevard County, trying to get their Falcon 9 rocket off the ground. But surprise, surprise – they hit a snag. I mean, it wouldn’t be a SpaceX launch without a little drama, right? According to the latest update, SpaceX has decided to stand down…

Science News

“Teen’s tragic death in DUI crash leaves community shaken – when will we learn?”

May 27, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

Well, well, well, it looks like we’ve got another tragic tale of stupidity and recklessness on our hands. A 14-year-old girl named Emma Johnson was killed in a suspected DUI crash in Orange County over the weekend, all thanks to the brilliant decision-making skills of a 37-year-old man named John Smith. Now, I’m not a…

US News

“Skinny Jabs and Contraception: The New Dynamic Duo for Women’s Health”

May 27, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

So, it seems like skinny jabs are not only helping people shed those extra pounds, but they might also be contributing to a mini baby boom. Who would have thought that trying to get skinny could lead to getting knocked up? Experts are now urging women to not only jab themselves with these weight loss…

Health News

Dreyfuss Dives Deep into Transphobia: Jaws Actor Takes Bite out of Acceptance.

May 27, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

Alright, buckle up folks, because we’ve got a wild ride ahead. Picture this: Richard Dreyfuss, yes, the guy from Jaws, decided it would be a brilliant idea to take the stage in a housedress and swing his cane around like he’s auditioning for a remake of The Lion King. But wait, it gets better (or…

Entertainment News

“Generous Giro Winner Pogacar: Giving Back or Just Winning to Make Friends?”

May 26, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

So, the Slovenian cycling sensation Tadej Pogacar has emerged victorious at the Giro d’Italia, dominating the race like a pro. Winning six stages and finishing almost a thousand miles ahead of his competition, Pogacar raised the winner’s trophy in Rome with a smug smile on his face. But hey, who wouldn’t be happy after such…

Sports News

“Comet TsuchinshanATLAS: Brighter than Venus or just another overhyped disappointment?”

May 26, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

So, apparently, there’s a comet named TsuchinshanATLAS hurtling towards Earth, and it’s causing quite the stir among scientists and skywatchers alike. This icy ball of gas and dust is set to make its grand entrance in October, shining as bright as Venus and dazzling us all with its tail wagging in the night sky. Now,…

Science News

“Cancer Survivor’s Bold Move: Breaking Stigma, Inspiring Hope, and Living Life Fearlessly”

May 26, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

So, here we have yet another cancer story. But hey, this one comes with a twist! Instead of wallowing in self-pity and despair, this woman has decided to throw caution to the wind and share her journey with the world. And why not? I mean, who doesn’t love a good cancer story, right? In a…

Health News

“Prime Minister Warns of Storms: Get Ready for Mother Nature’s Mood Swings!”

May 26, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

Oh, look at that, folks! The weather forecast for the DC area is looking about as stable as a Jenga tower in an earthquake. Storms are set to hit the region from noon to 9 pm on Monday, bringing with them the delightful possibility of wind damage, large hail, a couple of tornadoes, and flooding…

US News

Soap opera star turned catalytic converter thief meets tragic end in LA shootout.

May 26, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

So, it looks like the Catalytic Converter Thief Brigade in downtown Los Angeles decided to take their criminal activities to a whole new level by not only stealing precious car parts but also taking a human life in the process. Bravo, guys, you really outdid yourselves this time. And who was the unfortunate victim of…

Entertainment News

‘Putin’s Peace Mission: Sending Troops to Ukraine for a Friendly Tea Party’

May 25, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

Greetings, fellow beings of Earth! It is I, Zog, your friendly neighborhood Alien journalist from the Planet Duh, here to bring you the latest scoop on the absurdity that is your planet. Today, we delve into the wacky world of international diplomacy, where Russian Ambassador Anatoly Antonov has graciously enlightened us on the oh-so-close-to-achieving-peace situation…

World News

“New Wizardry Remaster: Because Who Needs Originality When You Can Just Remaster Everything?”

May 25, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

So, it turns out that the RPG that inspired all your favorite games like Final Fantasy, Dragon Quest, and Demons Souls is getting a shiny new remaster. That’s right, folks, Wizardry Proving Grounds of the Mad Overlord is back and better than ever, ready to suck you into its world of monsters, dungeons, and probably…

Technology News

Knicks Sign Sarr: Is This the Move That Will Finally End Their Curse?

May 25, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

So, the 2024 NBA Draft is apparently lacking a Victor Wembanyama, which has caused quite the uproar among basketball fans. I mean, how dare they not have the next big thing lined up for everyone to drool over? The nerve! But fear not, dear readers, for all hope is not lost. Despite the lack of…

Sports News

“Monkey Business: South Carolina on High Alert for Escaped Primate”

May 25, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

So, it seems like South Carolina is having a bit of a monkey business situation on their hands. Forget about fugitive prisoners or stolen vehicles, the real issue at hand is a rogue primate causing chaos in a quiet residential neighborhood. This small monkey has been living its best life, running wild through the streets…

US News

“Suns Magnetic Field Revealed: Are Solar Flares Just the Sun’s Way of Flirting?”

May 25, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

So, let’s talk about the sun. You know, that big ball of fire in the sky that we all rely on for light, warmth, and the occasional sunburn. Scientists have apparently been busy studying the sun’s magnetic field, and surprise, surprise, they’ve made a breakthrough! According to a study published in Science (because who needs…

Science News

Memorial Day Madness: 415 Dead, 47,500 Injured – Drive Safely, People!

May 25, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

So, here we are, folks. Another Memorial Day weekend in the books, and what a doozy it was. The box office meltdown continues as moviegoers were faced with the tough decision of whether to watch George Miller’s Furiosa or the Garfield Movie. Talk about a lose-lose situation. It’s like choosing between getting a root canal…

Entertainment News

‘Putin generously offers to end war if he can keep stolen land’

May 24, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

Greetings, fellow Earthlings! It is I, Zog, your friendly neighborhood alien journalist from the Planet Duh, here to shed some light on the latest antics of your beloved Russian President, Vladimir Putin. So, it seems like ol’ Vlad is willing to put an end to the war in Ukraine, but only if he gets to…

World News

“Gamer Night: Because who needs real friends when you have virtual ones?”

May 24, 2024 Editor-In-Chief

So, apparently, Gamer Night is the new self-care trend that’s sweeping the nation. Move over meditation and yoga, because apparently, the key to improving your mental wellbeing is to gather with your buddies and smash buttons on a controller for hours on end. Whether you’re into Destiny 2, Overwatch, Elden Ring, or just watching someone…

Technology News