“NVIDIA’s Covert Protocol: Because Who Needs Human Workers Anymore, Right?” So, guess what? NVIDIA CEO Jensen Huang is at it again, presenting yet another mind-blowing demo at GTC 2024. This time, he’s showing off the Avatar Cloud Engine ACE platform powered by Inworld AI tech. I mean, who comes up with these names? It’s like…
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‘Elite Power Struggles in Haiti: Who Needs Diplomacy When You Have Machetes?’ Greetings, fellow beings of the universe! It is I, Zog, your friendly neighborhood Alien journalist from the Planet Duh, here to bring you the latest scoop on the chaos unfolding in PortauPrince, Haiti. Picture this: the wide road in front of the airport…
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“Condiment Revolution: 9 Healthy Picks to Spice Up Your Meals Without the Guilt” So, apparently, there are people out there who feel like their meals just aren’t complete without drowning them in ketchup, mayo, mustard, hot sauce, ranch, soy sauce, or any other condiment they can get their hands on. And hey, who can blame…
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“Skull-cracking showdown near St Louis high school leaves teen in critical condition” So, apparently, in the wild world of high school drama, a girl named Kaylee Gain managed to get herself into quite the pickle. According to reports, she got into a fight near her St. Louis high school and ended up with a fractured…
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“Richard Simmons Alive and Kicking, Literally – Spokesman Confirms Fitness Guru’s Wellbeing” So, apparently, Richard Simmons is not dead. In fact, he’s very much alive and kicking, according to his spokesman. After some cryptic social media posts had fans worried that the fitness guru might be on his deathbed, Simmons took to Instagram to reassure…
‘Berlin: Where Exiled Opposition and Anti-Putin Protests Thrive… Just Kidding, it’s Earth.’ Ah, Earthlings, you never fail to entertain with your political dramas and protests. Imagine my amusement as I, Zog from Planet Duh, observe the antics of Yulia Navalnaya and her fellow Russian opposition leaders in Berlin. The widow of Alexei Navalny, Yulia bravely…
MISSING MIZZOU STUDENT’S BANK CARD FOUND: DID SHE GO SHOPPING OR SWIMMING? So, it looks like we have another case of a college student going missing after a wild night out. Riley Strain, a senior at the University of Missouri, disappeared in downtown Nashville while out drinking with friends. I mean, who hasn’t had a…
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“Geriatricians Rule, But Who Will Save Our Aging Population?!” So, you’re getting up there in age and suddenly you’re faced with a laundry list of health issues that even WebMD can’t make sense of. What’s a senior citizen to do? Well, according to some fancy research, you better start hunting for a geriatrician – you…
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“Jerome Bettis Jr: The Bus 2.0 or Just Another Notre Dame Recruit?!” So, it looks like the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, or in this case, the football doesn’t roll far from the end zone. Jerome Bettis Jr, son of Hall of Fame running back Jerome Bettis, has decided to follow in his…
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“Netflix: Where Earwax is the Real Villain in Your Movie Experience” So, you’re sitting on your couch, ready to binge-watch the latest Netflix series, but wait – what’s that? You can’t hear what the characters are saying? Fear not, dear readers, for I have a solution that will surely have you hearing voices clearer than…
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‘Earthlings panic as giant fire mountain burps, authorities flustered.’ ‘Earthlings panic as giant fire mountain burps, authorities flustered.’ Image: Source: The Hill URL: https://thehill.com/policy/energy-environment/4537350-icelandic-volcano-erupts-triggers-state-of-emergency/
“NYC Selfie Reveals Brain Tumor: Woman’s Tourist Snap Turns Life-Threatening” So, let me get this straight – Megan Troutwine takes a casual selfie in front of a famous landmark in New York City, and suddenly she’s embarking on a life-changing journey? Talk about a plot twist. I mean, most of us just use selfies to…
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Alien Planet Boils Noodles, Scientists Ponder Existence of Intergalactic Ramen Bar Hold onto your hats, folks, because scientists have just uncovered a planet that could give a whole new meaning to the term “hot tub.” That’s right, a boiling ocean world has been discovered just 70 lightyears away, where the surface temperature can reach a…
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Eagles and Falcons caught in tampering scandal: NFL drama or just another day? So, it looks like the NFL is once again embroiled in some good old-fashioned tampering drama. The Eagles and Falcons are under the microscope for potentially breaking the rules in the days leading up to free agency. It’s like a scandalous soap…
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JetBlue’s “Lie-Flat, But Don’t Recline” Seats: Elderly Couple Charged $5200, Offered $400 Comp So, JetBlue thought it would be a brilliant idea to charge an elderly couple a whopping 5200 for lie-flat seats that didn’t even recline. Talk about a first-class fail! Wally and Meredith Stevens must have felt like they were being punked as…
“Putin’s Election: Democracy at Its Finest – Gunpoint Voting Now a Trend!” Greetings, fellow beings of the universe! It is I, Zog, your friendly neighborhood alien journalist reporting from the wacky planet Earth. Today, I bring you a tale of hilarity and absurdity from the land of Ukraine, where Russian soldiers are apparently trying their…
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Pence snubs Trump in 2024: GOP drama or masterstroke? Let the games begin! So, it looks like Mike Pence has finally grown a backbone and decided not to endorse his former boss, Donald Trump, for the 2024 election. I guess it took a violent insurrection at the Capitol for him to realize that maybe Trump…
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“Celine Dion vows to rise like a phoenix from the ashes of Stiff Person Syndrome” So, Celine Dion is back at it again, folks. In a dramatic Instagram post that had her fans on the edge of their seats, the legendary singer declared that she has not given up hope of returning to the stage….
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“Pence Snubs Trump for 2024: GOP Drama Unfolds as New Leaders Emerge” So, it looks like Mike Pence has finally grown a backbone and decided not to endorse his former boss, Donald Trump, for the 2024 election. I guess even he has his limits when it comes to dealing with the orange menace. In a…
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“Manicure Mayhem: Woman Sues Nail Salon for 175 Million Over Genital Herpes Outbreak” So, here’s a juicy piece of news for you: a woman is suing a nail salon in Northeast Portland for a whopping $175 million because she claims she caught genital herpes during a manicure. That’s right, folks, she went in for a…
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Olivia Rodrigo Concerts: No Plan B, Just Plan A for Unplanned Parenthood! So, apparently, Olivia Rodrigo’s team has decided that emergency contraceptives are a big no-no at her concerts. That’s right, folks, no more Plan B handouts at the Guts tour. Because who needs responsible reproductive choices when you can have some catchy tunes instead,…
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SpaceX Launches Starship: Because Earth Just Isn’t Messed Up Enough. Alright, folks, hold onto your helmets because SpaceX just launched their Starship spacecraft into space! That’s right, Elon Musk and his team of rocket scientists have once again defied gravity and sent a giant metal tube hurtling towards the great unknown. The Starship launch took…
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“Maternal Death Rates Inflated by Data Errors: US Crisis or Statistical Mirage?” So, it turns out that the maternal death rate crisis in the United States may not be as dire as we’ve been led to believe. According to a recent study, the high maternal death rates that have been causing panic for the past…
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‘Israel expertly creates chaos and hunger in Gaza, a true masterpiece!’ Greetings, fellow beings of Planet Duh! It is I, Zog, your trusty alien journalist stranded on the chaotic mess that is Earth. Today, I bring you a tale of incompetence and absurdity straight from the land of Israel and Gaza. So, let me get…
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“Republican Senators Outraged by New Policy: No More Judge Shopping Allowed!” So, it seems Senate Republicans are throwing a hissy fit over the fact that they can no longer cherry-pick their favorite judges for their cases. How dare the judicial system try to inject some fairness and impartiality into the mix, right? Instead of celebrating…
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