NASA seeks crew willing to endure hellish conditions in Martian ‘habitat’ experiment. So, NASA is looking for some brave souls to play Martian for a year, huh? I guess they finally got tired of sending robots up there to do all the work. I mean, who needs high-tech machines when you can just send a…
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Detroit Lions to release safety Tracy Walker, because who needs defense anyway? So, the Detroit Lions have decided to part ways with safety Tracy Walker. Cue the heartfelt goodbye message to the city of Detroit fans and the Ford family. I can already hear the violins playing in the background. Walker, who was drafted by…
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“Salt: The Silent Killer or Just Another Way to Spice Up Life?” Do you even know how many milligrams of sodium you eat per day? Probably not, considering most people can’t even count how many potato chips they’ve shoved into their mouths. One serving of those salty little devils contains about 140 milligrams of sodium,…
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‘From Flirty Dress to Nude in 40 Hours: Selena Gomez’s Parisian Evolution’ Ah, Selena Gomez, the queen of making headlines with her fashion choices. In a whirlwind 40-hour trip to Paris, the singer and actress managed to go from a chic slit dress to absolutely nothing at all. Talk about a quick change of wardrobe!…
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Trump’s new sneaker line: perfect for stomping on justice and decency. Former President Donald Trump, known for his controversial comments and questionable business practices, has once again found himself in the spotlight. This time, it’s not for his political antics, but for his latest venture – a sneaker line. Yes, you heard that right. The…
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“3-Point Contest 2024: Another Chance for Millionaires to Show Off” Get ready for a showdown of epic proportions in the upcoming Dunk Contest 2024 as basketball stars Steph Curry and Sabrina Ionescu gear up to battle it out in a display of aerial artistry. The stage is set for a clash between Curry’s sharpshooting finesse…
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“Nintendo Switch 2 Delayed, Because Who Needs Joy in 2025 Anyway?” So, here we go again, folks. Another day, another delay in the gaming world. This time, it’s Nintendo’s turn to disappoint their loyal fans with the news that the highly anticipated Nintendo Switch 2 won’t be gracing our eager hands until 2025. I can…
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‘Earthlings Continue Childish Games of Sabotage Instead of Progressing Peacefully Report’ Greetings, fellow beings of the universe! It is I, your trusty Alien journalist from the Planet Duh, reporting live from the chaotic circus known as Earth. Today’s episode of human folly features Israel taking a jab at Iran by sabotaging not one, but two…
“Baldur’s Gate 3 Devs Unleash Fiery Fury at DICE Awards, Leaving No Sacred Cows Untouched!” Oh, look who won Game of the Year at the DICE Awards! Larian Studios, the supposed saviors of the gaming industry. How original. And not only did they win, but they also had the audacity to advocate for a more…
“Trump’s Ever-Expanding Circus of Legal and Political Chaos: A Masterclass in Inefficiency” Well, well, well. Look who’s still making headlines and causing a ruckus. It’s none other than the one and only Donald J. Trump. That’s right, folks, the man who couldn’t resist the allure of the spotlight even after being booted out of the…
“Prince Harry’s Astonishing New Achievement: Making Cancer Jealous of Dads!” In a shocking twist that would make even the most conniving soap opera villain blush, Prince Harry has allegedly stooped to a new low by exploiting his father’s battle with cancer. It seems that the Duke of Sussex has taken a page out of the…
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“Alexei Navalny: The Extraordinary Tale of a Thorn in the Side of Oppressive Regimes” Oh, look at that! Navalny’s health is deteriorating. How shocking! I mean, who could have seen that coming? Certainly not those in power who have been trying to silence him for years. It’s almost like they want him to disappear. How…
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“Meet Fani Willis: The Unlikely Savior of Justice or Just Another Political Puppet?” Oh, look who we have here! Fani Willis, has apparently found her latest victim to glorify. Brace yourselves, folks, because we’re about to embark on a journey into the life of Nathan Wade, the man who has miraculously managed to fly under…
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“Kansas City Shooting: Another Day, Another Display of Humanity’s Exceptional Civility” Kansas City, MO – Well, another day, another shooting. This time, it’s at the Kansas City Chiefs parade, because apparently, even a celebration of a Super Bowl win isn’t safe from the bullets flying in this godforsaken world. Imagine, thousands of fans gathered together…
“Groundbreaking Dorito Theory Unveiled: Is Society Ready to Embrace Snack Enlightenment?” Oh, great, another viral sensation. This time it’s a woman with a theory about Doritos. Yes, you heard that right, Doritos. Apparently, these triangular chips are more than just a combination of corn oil and flavoring. According to this woman, they hold the key…
NASA’s Groundbreaking Ultraviolet Astronomy Mission Takes Off… in a Parallel Universe NASA, the masters of delay, have struck again! They’ve selected an ultraviolet observatory for development, but surprise, surprise, they’re pushing back the launch by two whole years. Can you believe it? I can’t. But then again, I can’t believe they’re still wasting money on…
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“Diablo 4’s Infernal Greed Ascends: $65 Horse Bundle Outshines Game Price, Welcome to Capitalism!” Well, look who’s back with another mind-boggling microtransaction disaster! It seems like Diablo 4 just can’t get enough of pissing off its dedicated fan base. First, we had the infamous portal reskins that cost a pretty penny, and now we have…
“Another Thrilling Day at Daytona: NASCAR Races to Keep You Awake on Thursday!” Oh, look at that! NASCAR fans can rejoice because Thursday at Daytona International Speedway is going to be a real humdinger! Get ready for a day filled with practice sessions, qualifying races, and an overwhelming sense of anticipation that will leave you…
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“Love and Laughter Ensue as Russian Warship Takes a Dive, Inspiring ‘Romantic’ Memes” In a truly unexpected turn of events, the sinking of a Russian warship has become the latest source of entertainment for the internet. Forget about expressing concern or engaging in any meaningful political discourse, netizens have instead flooded social media with a…
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“Kanye West & Ty Dolla Sign’ Vultures Song Flew Too Close to Spotify’s Safe Space” Well, well, well, what do we have here? Another day, another artist’s music getting yanked from Spotify. This time, it’s Kanye West and Ty Dolla ign’s collaboration, “Vultures,” that’s been unceremoniously booted off the streaming platform. And let me tell…
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“White House Politely Rejects Johnson’s Meeting Plea, Avoiding Chance for Meaningful Conversations” Well, well, well, look who’s been denied a playdate with Uncle Joe. UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson, otherwise known as the human embodiment of a clown car, has been given the cold shoulder by President Biden. And honestly, who can blame him? Johnson’s…
“Shocking Revelation: Winter Actually Increases Chances of Sharing the Gift of Coughs!” Oh, look at that, winter is here again. The season of joy, laughter, and of course, coughs. Because apparently, children just can’t catch a break. According to some fancy doctor, kids can suffer from seven to 10 respiratory infections during the dreaded cold…
“Behold! The Universe’s Ego Outshines Our Puny Sun by a Whopping 1700x” In the vast night sky, where countless stars compete for attention like a bunch of attention-seeking divas, there’s one star that thinks it’s the Beyoncé of the universe. Situated thousands of lightyears away from Earth, this celestial prima donna is supposedly the largest…
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‘Steam Next Fest: A Whopping Eight Demos That Surprisingly Didn’t Make Us Want to Gouge Our Eyes Out’ Ah, E3, that relic of a time when we could all gather in a sweaty convention center and pretend to be excited about the latest overhyped games. But fear not, dear gamers, for now we have Steam…
“Russia’s Newest Game: ‘Where’s Estonia’s Prime Minister?’ Join the hunt for a taste of international hide-and-seek!” Alright, strap yourselves in for a wild ride through the cesspool of online information. Brace yourselves, folks, because it turns out that a shocking amount of the stuff we read online is as reliable as a politician’s promise. I…
